Always the hugger...

Never the hugged.

I just want to be hugged right now.

Maybe that doesn't sum it up.

I feel alone again. I seek company. I just want someone to hold me. To be there right now. I want to sleep. But I can't. I'm currently trying to adjust my sleep cycle so that I can start work on Wednesday working the 11-7 shift. But what I really want is to spoon with someone. Just for half an hour. To feel intimate, REAL human contact with someone. I would say I'm having a panic attack, but to have a panic attack means I have to feel emotion. But I don't. I just feel this wave of melancholy. Its in my chest. I want to cry, but I don't know what to cry about. I want to go out, but I don't know where to. I want to do SOMETHING, but I don't know what. But most of all, I want to be alone.

Its strange, having so many conflicting thoughts and wants and needs. Its like a hunger that you know will go unsatisfied because you don't know what to eat. I'm starving myself emotionally out of apathy. Out of neglect for myself. I've been there for everyone, holding them. Raising them up. And now I want to be held, but nobody is there. But do I want to be held? I don't want to be touched, but I want to be held. Maybe that's it? Maybe I want to be restrained. Locked up tight in the fetal position until this wave of nothingness washes away.

I'm rambling now, but then again, its a good thing right? Try to find my mind. Find where this is coming from. But I'm failing. Everything was going so wonderful for me. School was looking great. I had a job. I felt like my life had meaning. And now, I sit here, almost emotionless. Its like I'm missing SOMETHING. And I don't know what it is. Its like a void has taken over my soul and won't let go. I feel like a robot. Just a shell of a human. As if something has stolen my soul, and is holding it beyond the nepenthionic curtain of delerium and hypnotic specters haunt my mind.

I see myself through my minds eye. Into my mind. Its, twisted. Blasphemed. Things should not be there. Its like a Deadland, if you know the roleplaying game. I mean, my mind has always been a little dark, and twisted. But more in the ha ha way, not in the "things that should not be haunt my mindscape".

Something is horribly wrong with me right now, and I don't know what.

Rune